I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
