i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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