I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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