seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
did i just pee glitter
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
