1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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