the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize