from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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