I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
