then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
