And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
