I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
