So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
