You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
