Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
