Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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