true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
