If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
