I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
