After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize