He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize