Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
please come you make the beer taste better
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
