Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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