My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
