I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
