I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
