Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
