so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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