Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i think my cat just said my name.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize