I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
