it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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