I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize