I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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