dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
