i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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