i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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