A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
