the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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