We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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