nut hugger
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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