she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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