I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
