hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
