In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
