i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I need a burrito and a hug.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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