I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
