Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
