i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
