the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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