I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
