32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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