The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
