ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
