So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
