apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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