i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
