Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
