i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
