Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
